Regarding Henry (the Eighth)

Henry Tudor (1491-1547)  was certainly something of an overachiever, but he didn't know shit about biology.  After all, he went through six wives any number of ministers and all the wealth of the monasteries of England.  It didn't hurt that he was the surviving younger brother of the heir apparent and son of the king of England at the time, Henry VII.  Henry VII was the first Tudor king, a somewhat peripheral Lancastrian claimant to the throne who managed through conquest,  historical revisionism, and his marriage to Elizabeth of York, to resolved the unpleasant late medieval mess of succession that has come to be known as the "Wars of the Roses".  

It was the excessive fecundity of Edward III (1312-1377) that, ironically, started it all.  Edward had the following children by his wife Phillippa of Hinault:  (1) Edward the black prince,  (2) Isabella, Lady of Coucy, (3)  Joan of England,  (4) William of Hatfield, (5) Lionel of Antwerp , First Duke of Clarence, (6) John of Gaunt, First Duke of Lancaster, (7) Edmund of Langley, First Duke of York, (8) Mary, Duchess of Brittany, (9) Margaret, Countess of Pembroke,  (10) Thomas of Woodstock, First Duke of Gloucester, and finally (11-14) John, Jane, and Joan de Southeray.  This set the stage for some monumental family squabbles concerning who got the prize after Edward shuffled off his mortal coil. 

Then there was the  Hundred Years War, which was a series of conflicts from 1337 to 1453 (more like the hundred and sixteen years war but never mind).   In 1066 William the Conqueror added England to his existing domain in Normandy.  At the same time he was the vassal to the king of France.   This conflict or series of conflicts was the protracted sorting out of the national identities of France and England.  For a long time English kings had claim to a lot of French real estate owing to the complex web of intermarriage and primogeniture.  

Primogeniture of course is the practice of maintaining royal and ducal houses and land by the expedient of granting the eldest son of the household ownership of all.  The younger siblings in this arrangement were left with nothing.  This was thought preferable to the division of kingdoms into however many heirs as there were, which, in time would lead to a fragmentation of kingdoms and an intolerable situation related vividly in Shakespeare's King Lear. 

Getting back to Henry the Eighth,  these successional problems seemed to have been the focus of much of his reign.  It has been speculated that Henry may have been a victim of McLeod Syndrome, which leads to both neurological problems in the possessor but in hemolytic disease in his children (1).  It works in much the same way as Rh disease in which an Rh- mother develops antibodies to her Rh+ child.  The first pregnancy goes without a hitch because the mother gets immunized by exposure to the baby's blood at the time of birth.  However each successive child dies from an immune assault on its blood via antibodies that cross the placenta.  

If only I could have sat down with King Henry and explained this to him without being labelled a heretic and burned at the stake.  And if I could also have explained to him the fact that the father (you, Henry) are the determiner of the sex of the child and that it has very little to do with the woman.   In short the problem was with HIM not with the ladies he was mating with.   

I would say to him: 

"In the process of meiosis, wherin males have an X and a Y chromosome in each of their cells, one of the 23 pairs of chromosomes all normal humans have.

  The production of gametes (sperm and egg) requires the reduction of those chromosomes to half their number (23 individual chromosomes) that then go on to unite with the 23 chromosomes of the mother.   Since each one of your sperm cells contains either an X or a Y you determine the sex of the child.  If an X sperm cell reaches the egg first, then it combines with one of the mother's X chromosomes (She has two X chromosomes) then the child is a girl.  :(      If one of your Y sperm cells reached the egg first then the child is a boy. :)   And your succession is assured.  

"The fact is, Hank, (can I call you Hank?) every child is a crapshoot.  You KNOW that the child gets half of everything you inherited from your parents, but what you don't know is which half.  I am talking only about your "genes" not your royal possessions.   The only way to avoid this problem is if I could take a sample of your precious jizz back to the 21st century and put it in an ultracentrifuge. 

You see, your X chromosome bearing sperm cells are heavier than the Y chromosome bearing ones, enough so that if you speed up the process of gravity (using this machine) the heavier ones you don't want will sink lower in the test tube.  Then we could harvest the Y chromosome ones you want from the top of the density gradient and deliver them to the queen's womb at the right moment in her 28 day cycle and you would have a male heir or at least we'd hope so.  Even in the 21st century this isn't an exact science.  You would have to promise to keep your hands off her until she has conceived.    

"But of course you have to do this when the queen is ovulating.   Some time between the time of her previous period and the next one she will ovulate, and you can kind of tell when this is,  by using this handy digital thermometer.

At that moment give me a sample of your jizz and go back to the 21st century.  I brought along a condom for you.  You aren't allergic to latex are you? 

 Just so I don't try to switch tubes or something let me take Cromwell back to verify the procedure.  Less than an hour later I'll return  and we'll artificially inseminate your queen.   Now just to help you in producing your sample material I have taken the liberty of bringing along these magazines.  I expect you will find something to your liking here, but I'll need those back when you are done, okay?"

As it happened of course, it was a successional train wreck.  "Why can't you accept it, Henry, one boy and two girls isn't bad.  Shame about all those miscarriages however, and in any case, none of your children will make a grandparent of you: your male heir Edward VI, will die when he is only 15,  Mary won't be able to conceive at all, and Elizabeth, seeing what a mess marriage and reproduction had been for you and the gruesome fact that you blithely chose to ax her mum,  will decide not to marry at all.  Can you blame her?  

"So after the last of your heirs die the English will have to bring in this bisexual king from Scotland to carry things on for you royals after 1603. Even James the first will have better luck in the baby daddy game than you did, and he liked boys.  But then England will get Scotland in the bargain so I guess that should be consolation enough, but France will never be your dominion, and besides, around the middle of the next century the people started to get really tired of being jerked around by their kings and queens and also got tired of being dictated to regarding how they were

supposed to worship.   They even had the nerve to execute your cousin Charles for treason.  Imagine it!  A king executed for treason?  The world truly will turn upside down.  

And besides, I suspect a major problem you and all your other royal kindred had was this matter of inbreeding.  If you are going to be marrying your first and second cousins like a bunch of demented hillbillies, you shouldn't have been surprised, knowing what we know now, that you got miscarriages and mental defectives and other problems.  Ask the Habsburgs about it.  They had it even worse. 

And if you must view it from a theological point of view then it is self-evident that God hates inbreeding.  Don't do it, or God will punish you.  Nuff said? 

The Chemical Amusement Park

Phillip Seymour Hoffman 1967-2014

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been. 

-John Greenleaf Whittier 

The tragic death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman comes as  a sad end to another actor's brilliant career.   In retrospect, whether he was playing the pathetic gasoline sniffer in "Love Liza" or the compulsive gambler in "Owning Mahoning", he didn't have to go far to find inspiration from his own life as a recovering addict.  I was blissfully unaware of his problems with drug abuse until late on February 2 when, listening to the BBC news 94.7 I heard the news announcer mentioned that "tributes to Phillip Seymour Hoffman" are pouring in.  I knew right then that he must have died.  No one gets "tributes" unless you have  shuffled off the mortal coil.  

 He was great actor and if he'd not died so suddenly he would certainly gone on to other great roles which now of course will never be. Like Heath Ledger's "Batman, the Dark Knight", Hoffman's last appearances on the screen will be posthumous:  the two upcoming Hunger Games sequels. And "Happyland" will never be.  He was great in just about everything he was in, and even in stuff that otherwise was crap, like "Twister".   And of course he was best remembered for his performance in "Capote" a biopic about another celebrity fixture who like Hoffman came to his end through an overdose. 

And so the heartbeat goes on for some but not for them, these

Ledger 1979-2008

VERY public figures like Heath Ledger, or Whitney Houston, Keith Moon, John Belushi, Elvis Presley, Chris Farley, Michael Jackson etc. These are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head.    I could of course go on and on with the list of show business persons who have died from polypharmacy, drug abuse, alcohol or both.  Show business is very demanding and having to be "up" for the performance is a constant necessity.  Is it any wonder then that all those psychoactive

Belushi 1949-1982

chemical substances are so tempting for a performer, or for anyone else who habitually has to take things beyond normal human endurance.   And of course, with money being no object, or at least less of an object than it is for most of us, there is nothing to restrain the artist from his appetite for mood-altering stuff, from fried food, to drink, and ultimately to cocaine, heroin, or clomethizole.  A delusion about our indestructibility seems to prevail until the moment of death. 


One minute you are on top of the world and the next minute you are a piece of  newly decaying meat on the bathroom floor.   We are God's meat puppets and you never know when he's going to lose interest in you and go on to other toys.  We are fragile, and not enough oxygen or too much dope and it's all over.  Our bladder empties, and our rectum too and all the king's horses and all the king's men aren't going to put you back together again. 

We fill you with preservatives, dress you up in backless tuxedo, present you in an attractive box, say some nice things about you, cry if we must, and then put you in a hole somewhere, since you aren't going to keep in any case. 

We all have to find a way to live within our own skins.  Some of us live from one spurt of dopamine to the next.  Many people, especially those in demanding careers without a regular schedule and lots of money are suddenly given the keys to the candy store and discover all sorts of new ways to control their moods, their energy level.  Sometimes it is the desire to escape from boredom or perhaps at the low end of a mood swing a deliberate choice to escape from life.  Culturally some kinds of drug-like amusements are condoned if not actually recommended by authorities. 

dopamine

Can you go to a baseball game without being offered a beer or maybe two?   Isn't even the common expedient of overeating a kind of self medication?  And of course hundreds of millions of people worldwide can't go more than a few hours without a cigarette.  And so the line between what is licit and illicit is kind of artificial.   Prohibition taught us to leave some forms of chemical amusement alone.  You go ahead and smoke and drink yourselves to death if you want to.  It's your right to do so.  It's perfectly legal if you are old enough to know better.    The only difference is the degree to which the more forbidden drugs will speed your on your way to the grave.  Immortal we may feel sometimes, and it's a tough lesson discovering you are not.  Is the transitory sensation on the way there worth it? 



  

A Summary of the Differences between Christian Denominations part 1

The Roman Catholic Church.  The Catholic Church, as it is called, is an outgrowth of the early Christian church as developed in Ancient Rome and is ruled by a serial monarchy, which, owing to the practice of priestly celibacy was not dynastic but elective, at least in its present form. "Catholic" means "universal" and all-encompassing and it sort of is, although less so than in the past. 

The Council of Elvira in 306 was the first explicit ruling that the upper church hierarchy was forbidden to engage in sexual behavior, even though they may have up till their ordination had children and wives.  Of course 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 famously remarks that "The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife.".  On the other hand those who oppose clerical celibacy cited 1 Timothy 3:2-4, which refers to a bishop as being the husband of one wife, and rules his house well and has his children "in subjection".  In any case, it is clear that up till the 4th Century, celibacy in the church hierarchy was not an issue.  Indeed the Apostle Peter, the first "pope" was himself married. 

The Roman Catholic Church claims to be the original, universal Christian church founded by the apostles of Christ.

  The Eastern Orthodox Church which represents the original Christian Church in Eastern Europe shares with claim with a couple of other ancient groups.  Indeed the Roman Church and the Eastern Church, based in Byzantium were the same church until the formal schism in 1054.    This resulted from a doctrinal dispute over matters such as whether or not to perform the Eucharist with leavened or unleavened bread, and the ultimate authority of the pope in Rome. 

This led to reciprocal excommunications and in time massacres and military actions against one another against a background of the crusades.  Although efforts were made later to patch things up, the two branches of the original church remain separate up to the present day.

The Great Western Schism.  Another pre-reformation split in the church originated in the Avignon papacy.   In 1309 the new pope Clement V, who was French, declined to take up his papacy in Rome but chose Avignon in southern France instead. 

Nine years later Clement V died, was succeeded by John XXII, Benedict XII, Clement VI, Innocent VI, Urban V (who served both in Rome and Avignon), and finally Pope Gregory XI, who returned the papacy to Rome in 1376.   This however was not the end of the problem, but the beginning of the Schism, as different parts of the church sided with either Avignon's or Rome's popes.  France, Castile, Aragon, Naples, and Scotland sided with Avignon.  England, Ireland, Denmark, Sweden, Poland, Hungary, and Northern Italy sided with Rome. Portugal and the Holy Roman Empire vacillated between the two.   Avignon continued to name popes (referred to as "anti-popes" after Gregory XI's departure for Rome.  Urban VI, the Roman pope after Gregory was a something of a tyrant and most of the cardinals under him left and set up another papacy in Anagri which nominated the Avignon Anti-pope Clement VII.  This rather unsatisfactory state of affairs lasted until 1409 when a council was held at Pisa to resolve the issue but at the last moment the rival claimants backed out and the council went on to name still another person as pope, this time based in Pisa.  This was Alexander V, who was succeeded by John XXIII (not to be confused with the 20th century John XXIII).  This John XXIII convened still a further council at Constance in 1415, where Martin the V was made pope, while the Roman pope stepped down to accommodate Martin V, and the Avignon anti-pope Benedict XIII, who had refused to step down was excommunicated.   Thus this messy state of affairs came to an end in 1415.

The Reformation   Martin Luther is credited with initiating the Reformation in 1517 by nailing his "95 Theses" to the church door in Wittenberg, a document outlining his differences with the Pope regarding certain church practices.  

A major one of these being the sale of indulgences.  This was the practice of monetary gifts to the Church serving to remit the sins of the benefactors.  Salvation was not won by good deeds or by gifts but only by the grace of God and by faith in Jesus Christ.  This removed material considerations or the judgements of ecclesiastical bureaucrats from the supposed bargain for salvation.  He also objected to all church dogma that could not be supported by scripture.  This got him in a world of trouble, beginning with the Diet of Worms in 1520, where he appeared and from which he fled, as the assembled group declared him a heretic and outlaw.

The fact of the invention of a movable type printing press by Gutenberg in 1450 had the effect of greater dissemination of printed matter, more reading of the bible and more of the faithful thinking for themselves after reading it.  The 95 Theses was translated into German and other languages, printed and disseminated throughout Europe.   Luther also, in his spare time translated the bible into German, which led to a hitherto unknown standardization of what became High German.

Lutherans in general view the Eucharist in a subtly different way from the Roman Catholics or the Eastern Orthodox churches.  Transubstantiation is the the belief of the church that the consecrated bread and wine are transformed magically (i.e. in a way surpassing understanding)  into the actual blood and flesh of Christ.  Lutherans believe that the bread and wine are transformed "in, within, and under" the form of bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ. 

John Calvin was a French theologian who broke with the Catholic church in France in 1530. 

This led to his exile to Basel, Switzerland, and eventually settling in Geneva, where he came to dominate the religious affairs of that city.  He is considered the founder of the Reformed, Congregational, and Presbyterian churches.  Chief among his beliefs was the idea of predestination, or the idea that those chosen to be saved have been known from the beginning.  This goes against the idea of free will and seems to be incompatible with it.  Only God can save your soul and only if God wills it.  This goes against the idea that humans through their own works or by their own will can find a way to salvation.

Opposed to the ideas of Calvin in Protestant circles were the ideas of Jacobus Arminius.  His "Five articles of remonstrance"  stated that (1) Salvation is conditional on upon faith in Christ, (2)  Christ died for all sinners,  (3)  Man is totally depraved and can't be saved unless through grace, (4) man has the choice through free will to resist God's grace, and (5) disagrees with the Calvinist idea that once a believer is saved, nothing will separate him from his salvation, ie "perseverance of the Saints". 

The Arminians were known as "Remonstrants".   Calvinists believe on the other hand that (1) Man is totally depraved and incapable of salvation by his own efforts (2) God chooses to save whom he will, which is a matter of his mercy towards particular sinners,  (3) Christ died to save only God's elect, i.e. the ones through God's mercy he has chosen to save,  (4)  Grace is irresistably provided to those whom God has chosen, and (5) once saved, nothing will separate the chosen or elect from his or her salvation. 

The Anglicans, or Church of England (in America the Episcopal Church) were formed when Henry VIII made his celebrated break with Rome and made himself head of the English church.  

In doing this Henry and his successors made a limited foray into things Protestant, going so far as to stop requiring priestly celibacy, allowing the bible to be owned and read by lay people (as long as they were nobility), and other matters, but preserving much of the ritual and trappings of the Roman church.  The governance of the church is through what is called "apostolic succession" in which the leaders of the church are its bishops, such as the Bishop of Canterbury, who choose their own successors.   This is in contrast with the Presbyterian Church (see below) which is governed by a committee of elders in each congregation. 

Back in the time of Henry VIII and in the early reformation, there was only one legal church, the Church of England, and it encompassed a spectrum of views regarding the bible, its sacraments, and ritual.  In time the "dissenters" moved on to form their own churches more closely as religious diversity began to be allowed.

The Methodists started as a movement within the Church of England, with "Methodist" being originally a term of disapprobation.  It was founded as a movement by John and Charles Wesley, and George Whitefield at Oxford when they were students there in the early 18th century. 

It was a movement against the apathy and stuffiness of he Church of England, trying harder to be socially conscious, helping the poor, witnessing to prisoners, and with preaching with enthusiasm.   Central to its beliefs were the ideas that (1) people are by nature, sinners,  (2) faith alone will "justify them",  and (3) faith makes one holy.  While John Wesley favored the Arminian view that salvation was not pre-ordained, George Whitefield took a more Calvinist view as did many of the early Methodists who later went on to form the Free Church of England, or joined the Presbyterians.  

What finally led to the split between the Anglicans and the Methodists was the shortage of preachers during the American Revolutionary War.  This led Wesley to begin ordaining ministers according to his own criteria rather than those specified by the Anglican Church. 

Deciphering Popular Songs

Ever listen to a popular song and wonder WTF it was trying to say?  Of course you have.  But you are in the elevator at the time and somebody just farted so you never find out.  Who ARE these people and what are they trying to tell us?    Here I endeavor to take a few specimens and determine exactly what is going on if anything.  

James Taylor:  Mexico

 

You get a mental picture of someone drinking and baking their brains out on the beach in Mexico. Then it's night and you're doing something with a coked up senorita. She's sleepy but her eyes are on fire.  It's all right so far.  The moon is high in the sky and lights things up.  Pretty picture.  Then you get to the bridge.  

Then there is something about the baby needing feeding, the relatives don't care and you're out of money.  You're stuck down in Mexico.  You write them a long letter and they send back a postcard, perhaps from Chicago.

After this there comes the disclaimer.  He says suddenly that he's never actually been to Mexico, but now that he's written this song maybe he'll go.  When he does go he'll spend most of his time in a honky tonk, which is what pop music always calls a bar, but is not a phrase used in real life.     

   
Sara Bareilles- Love Song

She's been getting a lot of bad advice, like being told to breathe underwater. She's also being patronized, and sarcastically adds that it's not easy breathing underwater, unless you are a fish, and even she knows that.  

Then there is some clod in her life who asks her to write him a love song otherwise he's out of here.  Well obviously command performances seldom go well and she refuses, and pounds on the piano because she's royally pissed, frankly.  So she writes him this song,  which is basically a go fuck yourself song.

Jeremiah was a Bullfrog by Three Dog night

 

The singer was a friend with a large amphibian.  The amphibian did not speak English (probably a French bullfrog) and yet they were buddies, and he must have owned a vineyard, hence his ability to provide the singer with very good wine.  One wonders what sort of relationship you could have with an amphibian.  A very affectionate one?  What does an amphibian choose for wine who otherwise hangs around a pond waiting for flies to wander too close?  Hey flybreath, what do your recommend on the wine list?  Ribet.


    In the chorus he talks about Joy to the world and all the boys and girls (drinking wine underage) and joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea (why them in particular?  I don't understand).  

Then he observes that if he were the king of the world this is what he'd do.  He'd get rid of all the cars and the bars in the world and make sweet love to you.  Really?  Must he become supreme ruler of the whole world to get you into bed with him?  He must be very, very ugly. 

  Getting rid of all the cars and the bars in the world, everyone would presumably have to drink at home, since there are no more bars out there.  Or maybe he is suggesting universal prohibition?  He enjoys drinking with inarticulate amphibians and wants to deprive the rest of the world transport just so he can make love to you, whoever "you" are.  I hope you enjoy it.  

I want it that a way by the Backstreet Boys

Man I hate this song with a passion and that goes for its stupid inane lyrics especially.  Otherwise I think it is a great song and a technical masterpiece.  

What could this song be about?  You are my fire and my desire.  I guess you keep him warm. But something's wrong.  Maybe you're holding your ears with both hands and screaming.     He wants vaguely to let you know that he wants it that a way, he doesn't want you to say that you want it that a way, but what way he wants it to be, nobody knows.  Maybe he wants to do it doggie style but clearly you don't want to do it that "uh" way.  And he wants to know why he never wants to hear you say "I want it that a way".  Maybe this relationship isn't going to work because neither of you is fluent in a known language and cognition isn't one of your strengths.  

  The Joker by the Steve Miller Band

What can you say about some dude who speaks with the pomitous of love?  He's too sexy for his pants no doubt.   And who is the Maurice, anyway?  He's the space cowboy gangster of love.  And what do gangsters do generally?  Basically protect their turf and shoot anyone who impinges on their business.  Sounds like a very jealous dude, baby.  I'd watch out.  

And he has a tit fetish clearly.  Loves your peaches especially.  We all know what peaches are and every woman has a pair.  And what is with that WEEP! WOW! sound effect after certain lyrics?  It's the law of pop music, which dictates that there must be a novelty sound in there somewhere to get the listener's attention.  In this song it is the WEEP! WOW! business.  

He explains that he is a joker.  (When are you serious, bud?).  That he uses tobacco, and at midnight he even smokes pot.  He gets his loving on the run, but he's not doing you wrong because he's right here at home (wherever that is).  As irrepressibly sexual as this guy is, and as peripatetic, what are the chances he doesn't shake a lot of peaches in a lot of trees?  

Are We Human by the Killers.

 This song makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  And the grammatical weirdness "Are we dancer" just sticks in your mind like a splintered chicken bone in the gullet of a dog. So I decided to help them out by providing my own lyrics, as follows: 

I gave my best to Otis, 
when the ball came down the twine, 
On the platform shoes of gender,
I was sick but you were fine. 

And I sometimes talks to Jervis
When I see an open sore
Close the wound, ablate the heart
And cut the crap

Are we human or is this cancer?
My sign is Leo, my tool is cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the exit
Are we human or are we Cancer?


Pay my respects to Grace and Willis
Send my condolences to food
I'm sorry that I ate you
I was hungry and you were good

And so long to the ocean
You taught me everything I know
Say bye bye, and go to hell
You've gotta let me blow.


Are we human or is this cancer?
My sign is Leo, my tool is cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the exit
Are we human or are we Cancer?

Will your system be alright
When you're drunk senseless in the night?
(If there's no message then we're leaving
and I don't care if your heart's still beating)
 
Are we human or is this cancer?
My sign is Leo, my tool is cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the exit
Are we human or are we Cancer?